


Bite Me: Says Grumpy Jack

by 912luvjaxlean



Category: Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
Genre: AU, Gen, Smirky Jack, Snarky Jack, august 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 08:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15553776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/912luvjaxlean/pseuds/912luvjaxlean
Summary: In some distant future, a much older Jack practices his Stand-up Comedy Act for the Retired Victoria Policemen's Talent Show.  Miss Phryne Fisher is missing. (She usually leaves to go shopping when he rehearses.)





	Bite Me: Says Grumpy Jack

The good old days? They’re all gone.

Why is it all ‘yeah yeah yeah’ now? Doesn’t a simple ‘yes’ suffice?

Man may land on the moon. If he does, you know some damn woman will be up there telling him he’s doing it all wrong.

If skirts get any shorter, I’m going to need bifocals.

If he’s ‘James. James Bond’, does that mean he has a stammer?

You call ruffled shirts, bell bottoms and long hair on men stylish? What happened to a nice stiff three piece suit, a tight necktie and brillantine helmet hair?

The good old days, they’re all gone.

We didn’t need microphones. Megaphones worked fine.

We didn’t need movies with sound. We just read their lips.

You are not a telescope. Are you? Sometimes I get confused.

If you were a telescope, how big would you have to be to see them land on the moon?

Radios got smaller, skirts got shorter, and my hairline got higher.

I tried to do the Twist and ended up in traction.

‘To be or not to be’… That NOT part Is what worries me.

What is the sound of one hand clapping, when the other hand is holding a whisky glass?

If two hands are clapping, you must have put down the glass.

If more than two hands are clapping, you must have entered the annual Talent Show and won.

How can you hear anything anyway, if you can’t find your hearing aid?

Is the glass half full or half empty? Or, are you confused about how much you just drank?

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, who cares?

If a tree falls on my house and I hear it, I am suing that idiot next door! I told him that tree was dead.

If the phone rings while you are on the crapper, do you have to answer it?

Television scares me. How do they fit all those people in that little box?

Of course, the television show is in ‘Living Color’! How can a color be dead?

If LSD is a drug and those dirty hippies take it, why do those young men who come to my door look so clean cut? Oh, wait. L-D-S. Never mind.

If the Rolling Stones want to ‘Paint it Black’ and The Beatles ‘Baby’s in Black’, can they come over and asphalt my driveway? It needs it.

Don’t let the rain come down. My roof really does have a hole in it.

Where have all the flowers gone? It’s all weeds in the backyard.

Are these modern fifths of whisky smaller now, or is it just me?

I used to enjoy sad wanking, but it aggravates my arthritis.

Is the bottle half empty? Already?

The good old days, they’re all gone. The good old days, they’re all gone. Is there an echo in here?

Bite me.

**Author's Note:**

> My father used to MC and do comedy at Senior talent shows after he retired. A couple of these jokes are his. But 'Grumpy Jack' tends to be a bit more 'blue', as they used to say.


End file.
